Relationships
Head Over Heart
I’d like to address the issue of women in our society often putting their heart over their head – in other words, getting into and staying in relationships with bad men because they “love” him. This post is inspired by Dr. Laura’s book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
Are you in a relationship with a man who excessively drinks, smokes, uses drugs, who is emotionally or physically abusive or neglective, who doesn’t have a job or has a hard time keeping a job, has poor relationships with his family (especially mother), has cheated, focuses more on getting attention than giving you attention, has no plans for his future, has been in jail, etc…?
Then mostly likely, you have a bad man. Ok, not bad as in he’s a bad human being who doesn’t deserve love, but a bad man to HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with. And you need to force yourself to put aside all romantic, tender feelings you have toward him, and use your head.
Ladies, we are extremely emotional creatures…we crave love, fantasy, the picture-perfect romance. We want a love that is not only steady and dependable, but also deeply emotional, and yes, in a way, “dramatic”. We don’t just want a good guy – we want to have strong feelings for a man, and him for us. We want our lives, our relationships, to have emotional depth and intensity, and this is natural, healthy. God made us this way.
The only problem is, sometimes we confuse this with emotionally UNHEALTHY drama. Maybe because that’s all we ever saw in our parents, or on TV, or with our friends.
But ladies, when it comes to men, guess what? MATURE, EMOTIONALLY STEADY QUALITIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FEELINGS.
I know, it’s hard. We like to think our emotions can steer us in the right direction. But unless you’re completely emotionally mature, with absolutely no baggage from your past, you will be attracted to unhealthy men from time to time, maybe all the time. And that’s why it’s so important sometimes to go against the grain of your emotional attractions, and to make a list of the qualities you absolutely want and NEED in a man – then start looking for those qualities. And when you see them, THEN you can let yourself develop feelings for him (slowly, as you’re getting to know him).
Take me, for example. I am now engaged, but when I first met my man, there was no spark. I did not develop an instant emotional (or sexual) desire for him. Personality-wise, he’s actually not the kind of person I thought I’d be with, or want! I always pictured myself with a talkative, outgoing, funny, charming guy. You know, the cool, light-hearted guy everyone likes. But I started reading books like Fascinating Womanhood which clearly stated that in our culture, qualities like social charm and good looks, which are so highly prized by women, are actually NOT IMPORTANT IN A MAN. Ladies, these are not MASCULINE qualities. Meaning, men do not NEED these qualities to be a good man!! So what are qualities that make a good man?
- Responsible, dependable
- Faithful
- Emotionally strong, stable
- Hard-working
- Ethical
- Determined
- Ambitious, achiever, goal-oriented
- Decisive, leader
- Brave
- Independent thinker
- Sensitive, kind, gentle, tender (though these seem like feminine qualities, REAL men are so emotionally strong they can show these qualities when appropriate without shame)
There are many other qualities, but this is a good start. And I can confidently say that my man has all these things, and more!! In fact, though it took me time to start seriously seeing him as a possible future husband (he’s quiet, loves guns, and is a military man, which I thought I wouldn’t want because of misconceptions I had;P), I now cannot see any other man even coming close to winning me as he has. The sexiest, most charming, handsome man in the world could try to win me over, but if he doesn’t have the necessary masculine qualities I described above that my fiance has, I will just see him as a desperate fool who needs to grow up. And the best part about knowing I chose a man with these qualities? I know I’m SAFE. I know it’s SAFE for me to be vulnerable with him. I know it’s safe to love him, to let my feelings for him get stronger and stronger, because he will always be there, he will always care for me and respect me. And whatever qualities I like that he doesn’t have, I can either find friends who have them, or develop them in myself. A man, a person, can’t be EVERYTHING. He just needs to have qualities that make him a good partner.
So ladies, make a list! Make a list, and commit to it. If a man comes along who you’re attracted to but who lacks two, three or more qualities on your list, let him go right away. And when a man comes along who has almost all the qualities on your list, or whom you think might, get to know him better! WORK HARD to see the good qualities he has that could make up for whatever you might have thought were necessary in the past, like being tall, athletic, handsome, rich, a comedian, whatever. I’m telling you, my shallow side could have let my fiance slip by (no one is perfect, after all, Prince Charming does NOT exist!!). Thank God I didn’t listen to it.
So my basic point is, it doesn’t matter what you FEEL if he’s NOT A GOOD MAN. Having loving feelings toward a bad man doesn’t make you someone special because you can see past his imperfections like no one else can (and therefore make you some kind of savior, or super-romantic because you “love” him when no one else does…if he could just see…) – it makes you a self-abusive girl with no life.
You need to get smart, and you need to KNOW, even if you don’t feel, that you DESERVE better. Yes, it’s feminine to have extremely strong feelings, but put the volume too high and you are just a baby who is making her own life hard. And that is unsexy and unromantic. And contrary to our culture’s instant, uncontrollable fall-in-love theory, it IS romantic to have a plan when it comes to relationships and to develop feelings with consciousness.
I don’t care if you’re old, fat, “ugly”, uneducated…you deserve to either be in a healthy relationship, or to have a healthy focus on yourself, on becoming the woman you want to be and think a good man will want. You should NEVER settle for an unhealthy relationship because you think that’s all you’ll get or deserve. Often this is the underlying reason you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Well, ok, if you don’t want to work hard then it IS all you’ll ever get. Remember, it takes courage and hard work to become a desirable woman, and to make the dynamics of a healthy relationship to feel normal, to become a habit. If you’re used to unhealthy relationships, yes, a healthy relationship will feel uncomfortable at first! Don’t use this as an excuse to go back to stupid relationships, like, “Oh, this is uncomfortable, so it must not actually be healthy/right/a good match!” Keep chugging along and you’ll start to get used to and believe you deserve all the love, respect, and kindness you’re getting. This is where I’m at now. My man is so loving, I sometimes feel overwhelmed! Like, “How do I deserve this???” But it’s so good for me, I’m so grateful, and I know in time I’ll really believe I deserve his love, the way he knows I do.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
Engagement Rant
I’d like to indulge myself in a post where I rant about my engagement…:)
So, my journey towards understanding femininity started a long time ago…I think I read Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge when I was 18 or so. After that, Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. These books introduced me to the concept that femininity is even something TO strive to understand, attain. I mean, in our self-help culture, no one EVER tells you happiness is largely attained by connecting to the essence of your sex. Anyway, I also started reading Fascinating Womanhood long ago, and although I liked what I was reading, I only got through about a quarter of it before forgetting it completely.
I started rereading it perhaps a year ago, not even, and this time it really, really connected. Maybe it’s because I was getting older, and feeling more ready for a serious relationship. Or at least, to start preparing myself mentally, emotionally… Although, I really planned on being in a serious relationship in two or three years, not anytime soon. But life happens when you’ve made other plans…
So I started reading FW consistently, and I felt so motivated to change! No other self-help book not only inspired me, but gave SUCH concrete steps for me to take to change.
Now, honestly, I didn’t have an obvious transformation. Far from it. But amazingly, during this process, I met this guy. At first, there was no obvious chemistry; no spark, no love at first sight. Although there was always a very obvious comfort factor between us. Over time, hanging out with mutual friends, we both realized we loved each other’s company! And by the time I left (I was only staying in his city temporarily), we were extremely close…you could say we were in love, although we weren’t dating, and there was no intimacy or even touching between us. We missed each other so much!
It was a little after I left that he realized that for him, I was the “one”. One thing about this guy, when he knows what he wants, he WANTS it, and he never lets go of trying to get it! For example, he’s training to be in the Marines now, which is, as he says, “the most elite fighting force in human history.” And trust me, getting into the Marines is probably one of the most challenging undertakings possible. But it’s been his dream since he was young, and even though as I write this his body is bruised and beaten up from a weekend training program, he is more determined than ever to make it, whatever it takes. (How manly is that???XD)
Anyway…so in everything he said, I could tell he was wooing me! I won’t say details, in case something embarrasses him, but let’s just say…without being sexually suggestive, or blunt in his feelings for me, he won my heart. He won it through sharing about himself – his accomplishments, his goals, his values. He won it through his kindness and sensitivity toward me, his concerned desire to make it up to me when he’d hurt me or made me mad, his love for his family, and his family’s love for him. He won it through his patience for me – everything he ever said or did was within the boundaries of our relationship “zone”, even though he was so crazy about me and wanted to share everything, all his thoughts, feelings. He never rushed me.
Anyway, although it took only a short time for us to become engaged (eight months from the time I met him), I really feel God planned this. Well, I don’t believe in predestination (where God has everything figured out and we have no control), but I do believe God gives us people and situations that will allow us true, deep happiness, if we can see it and follow our hearts. Actually, it was my fiance who said something like this…he’s very wise too, for his age, I think.
Also, and this is a really big issue with me: both my fiance and I are abstinent. From a young age we determined to keep our purity for our one and only future significant other, and although I know some may think this “uncool” or “prudish” or whatever, I think it’s really romantic. Yeah, it was REALLY hard sometimes keeping my purity, but now I’m in a relationship with a guy I saved my beautiful gift for, and who SAVED HIMSELF FOR ME…how do you think that makes me feel??? LUCKY!!!XD And, because there was nothing sexual between us before our engagement, we know absolutely that our love for each other is not based on lust (although I’m very attracted to him;). And when we get married…well, our love will go to another level, let’s just say that;))
I’m really not condemning women who aren’t virgins, though. But I really do feel that purity is getting a bad rap, when it’s actually a key element in true trust and the most sacred, beautiful kind of romance. If you’re still a virgin – or even if you’re not a virgin, please…be strong and don’t give in to a guy until he pops you the question. And then until you actually tie the knot. Please! How else will you know a guy really, truly cares about you? If you are intimate before marriage, there is a chance he’ll propose to you (assuming you want marriage), like they always do in movies, but…if they’re getting sex from you freely, most guys won’t tie themselves down with marriage! Because they just don’t HAVE to to get what THEY want from a relationship! Honestly, ladies, marriage is very beneficial to WOMEN. I think men are more easily happy in commitment-free relationships, but women, deep in their hearts, need a mature man to promise commitment to her in order for her to feel truly safe and happy in a relationship. That’s what I believe. That’s what’s true for me, at least. I would never, EVER in a million years give my body to a guy who didn’t commit himself to me, no matter how sexy, charming, or whatever he is. Because it’s just TOO EASY for him to leave whenever he wants, with no strings attached…and that’s so stressful to me. It’s easier to not TRY AS HARD in a commitment-free relationship. A guy who wants to marry is basically saying, “I KNOW that sometimes it’ll be REALLY HARD to stay with you, but because a deeper part of me loves you so much, I want to bind us together forever. Even if I sometimes forget how much I love you, this commitment will remind me, and make it hard for me to just leave when the going gets tough.”
Anyway, so maybe sometime I’ll talk about me, and things I did, that I think contributed to my man falling in love with me, to help you out. Keep in mind that I did nothing manipulative, only tapped into my latent feminine powers! That, combined with my unique personality. And I would never have wanted so much to tap into my feminine powers if I hadn’t met such a masculine, mature, incredible guy…so really, tons of credit goes to him;p
*****
Also, here’s a really cute article I found! It’s called 11 animals that mate for life. To think, some animals are better at this than humans…
Currently Reading: Bad Childhood, Good Life (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
