Head Over Heart
I’d like to address the issue of women in our society often putting their heart over their head – in other words, getting into and staying in relationships with bad men because they “love” him. This post is inspired by Dr. Laura’s book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
Are you in a relationship with a man who excessively drinks, smokes, uses drugs, who is emotionally or physically abusive or neglective, who doesn’t have a job or has a hard time keeping a job, has poor relationships with his family (especially mother), has cheated, focuses more on getting attention than giving you attention, has no plans for his future, has been in jail, etc…?
Then mostly likely, you have a bad man. Ok, not bad as in he’s a bad human being who doesn’t deserve love, but a bad man to HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with. And you need to force yourself to put aside all romantic, tender feelings you have toward him, and use your head.
Ladies, we are extremely emotional creatures…we crave love, fantasy, the picture-perfect romance. We want a love that is not only steady and dependable, but also deeply emotional, and yes, in a way, “dramatic”. We don’t just want a good guy – we want to have strong feelings for a man, and him for us. We want our lives, our relationships, to have emotional depth and intensity, and this is natural, healthy. God made us this way.
The only problem is, sometimes we confuse this with emotionally UNHEALTHY drama. Maybe because that’s all we ever saw in our parents, or on TV, or with our friends.
But ladies, when it comes to men, guess what? MATURE, EMOTIONALLY STEADY QUALITIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FEELINGS.
I know, it’s hard. We like to think our emotions can steer us in the right direction. But unless you’re completely emotionally mature, with absolutely no baggage from your past, you will be attracted to unhealthy men from time to time, maybe all the time. And that’s why it’s so important sometimes to go against the grain of your emotional attractions, and to make a list of the qualities you absolutely want and NEED in a man – then start looking for those qualities. And when you see them, THEN you can let yourself develop feelings for him (slowly, as you’re getting to know him).
Take me, for example. I am now engaged, but when I first met my man, there was no spark. I did not develop an instant emotional (or sexual) desire for him. Personality-wise, he’s actually not the kind of person I thought I’d be with, or want! I always pictured myself with a talkative, outgoing, funny, charming guy. You know, the cool, light-hearted guy everyone likes. But I started reading books like Fascinating Womanhood which clearly stated that in our culture, qualities like social charm and good looks, which are so highly prized by women, are actually NOT IMPORTANT IN A MAN. Ladies, these are not MASCULINE qualities. Meaning, men do not NEED these qualities to be a good man!! So what are qualities that make a good man?
- Responsible, dependable
- Faithful
- Emotionally strong, stable
- Hard-working
- Ethical
- Determined
- Ambitious, achiever, goal-oriented
- Decisive, leader
- Brave
- Independent thinker
- Sensitive, kind, gentle, tender (though these seem like feminine qualities, REAL men are so emotionally strong they can show these qualities when appropriate without shame)
There are many other qualities, but this is a good start. And I can confidently say that my man has all these things, and more!! In fact, though it took me time to start seriously seeing him as a possible future husband (he’s quiet, loves guns, and is a military man, which I thought I wouldn’t want because of misconceptions I had;P), I now cannot see any other man even coming close to winning me as he has. The sexiest, most charming, handsome man in the world could try to win me over, but if he doesn’t have the necessary masculine qualities I described above that my fiance has, I will just see him as a desperate fool who needs to grow up. And the best part about knowing I chose a man with these qualities? I know I’m SAFE. I know it’s SAFE for me to be vulnerable with him. I know it’s safe to love him, to let my feelings for him get stronger and stronger, because he will always be there, he will always care for me and respect me. And whatever qualities I like that he doesn’t have, I can either find friends who have them, or develop them in myself. A man, a person, can’t be EVERYTHING. He just needs to have qualities that make him a good partner.
So ladies, make a list! Make a list, and commit to it. If a man comes along who you’re attracted to but who lacks two, three or more qualities on your list, let him go right away. And when a man comes along who has almost all the qualities on your list, or whom you think might, get to know him better! WORK HARD to see the good qualities he has that could make up for whatever you might have thought were necessary in the past, like being tall, athletic, handsome, rich, a comedian, whatever. I’m telling you, my shallow side could have let my fiance slip by (no one is perfect, after all, Prince Charming does NOT exist!!). Thank God I didn’t listen to it.
So my basic point is, it doesn’t matter what you FEEL if he’s NOT A GOOD MAN. Having loving feelings toward a bad man doesn’t make you someone special because you can see past his imperfections like no one else can (and therefore make you some kind of savior, or super-romantic because you “love” him when no one else does…if he could just see…) – it makes you a self-abusive girl with no life.
You need to get smart, and you need to KNOW, even if you don’t feel, that you DESERVE better. Yes, it’s feminine to have extremely strong feelings, but put the volume too high and you are just a baby who is making her own life hard. And that is unsexy and unromantic. And contrary to our culture’s instant, uncontrollable fall-in-love theory, it IS romantic to have a plan when it comes to relationships and to develop feelings with consciousness.
I don’t care if you’re old, fat, “ugly”, uneducated…you deserve to either be in a healthy relationship, or to have a healthy focus on yourself, on becoming the woman you want to be and think a good man will want. You should NEVER settle for an unhealthy relationship because you think that’s all you’ll get or deserve. Often this is the underlying reason you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Well, ok, if you don’t want to work hard then it IS all you’ll ever get. Remember, it takes courage and hard work to become a desirable woman, and to make the dynamics of a healthy relationship to feel normal, to become a habit. If you’re used to unhealthy relationships, yes, a healthy relationship will feel uncomfortable at first! Don’t use this as an excuse to go back to stupid relationships, like, “Oh, this is uncomfortable, so it must not actually be healthy/right/a good match!” Keep chugging along and you’ll start to get used to and believe you deserve all the love, respect, and kindness you’re getting. This is where I’m at now. My man is so loving, I sometimes feel overwhelmed! Like, “How do I deserve this???” But it’s so good for me, I’m so grateful, and I know in time I’ll really believe I deserve his love, the way he knows I do.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
No related posts.
3 Comments to Head Over Heart
Leave a comment
Blogroll
How do I send a thousand kisses to you! HELP WORLDS BABE! Thank you so very much! Keep em coming!
I agree – except for the fact that prince charming doesn’t exist. He does, it’s just that I’m the one who’s got him! ;) I didn’t realize he was it until years after we first met, though… I got to know him first. But I’d always considered him handsome and charming! It just took a while to figure out he had all the other qualities as well.
I also think that our weaknesses play part in attracting the wrong men. For example, an overly caring woman may attract ‘leeches’, while a control freak may attract a man without confidence.
By the by, nice blog, but you should post more often!
Aww, thank you Amara! And thank you Stefanie! Your comments are so encouraging. I will try harder to post more often!!