Learning to Speak the Male Love Language
Being in a relationship is all about unselfishness. And by unselfishness, I mean more than doing whatever comes naturally to you, whether that’s buying gifts, hugging, spending time together, doing things for them, etc. In man-woman relationships, especially, it’s all about learning what the other gender needs – emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. And this takes conscious, ongoing, sometimes uncomfortable effort, until it becomes habit.
So how do you speak the male love language? How do you fill up a man, make him feel so loved he thinks he’ll explode, so loved he’s inspired to do things for you, give things to you, take care of you forever?
First, you have to know what men pride themselves on. Then, you need to make conscious effort to notice these things in every form. Last, you need to compliment him on these things, and complimenting doesn’t always have to be verbal, although this is probably the most effective.
So, what do men pride themselves on? Everything they have that women don’t, and everything they’re (usually) better at than women. Before I go on, rid yourself of the feministic attitude that looks down on things men are proud of! That kind of arrogance is ugly, cruel, and will only bring misery to relationships.
Men are proud of:
Their masculine body. Appreciate his strength when he does something strenuous. When you touch his body, frequently focus on and linger on his masculine aspects – pecs, biceps, jawline, six-pack (if he has one), even hairyness. And become blind to any non-masculine qualities he has – shortness, frailness, etc. Don’t joke about these things. If it’s habit to do so, then change! Joke about how STRONG he is – for example, when my man is tickling me and pinning my struggling arms down so he can do so, I might say, “It’s not fair, you’re too strong!!” Or if he’s short, constantly tell him he’s tall – to YOU. Unless he’s actually much shorter than you, in which case you’ll have to think of something else. Maybe you can frequently strategically place yourself in a lower position, such as by sitting down while he’s standing up, and looking up at him admiringly. My man isn’t too tall, but he’s 6″ taller than me and I always tell him he’s very tall to me. I tell him I wouldn’t want him to be taller because then it’d be hard to kiss him!
Their masculine abilities. Fixing cars, sports, fighting, math and science, running a business, hunting, fishing, building or inventing things. Even if you are very good at a masculine thing, you should not compete with your man in that area, or brag about it. Feminist women would say a man should be mature enough not to feel threatened or insecure when around such accomplished, skilled women, and to an extent yes, good men do not; however, it’s about LETTING a man FEEL like a man. Women have to understand that this feeling is one of the best feelings in the whole world to men. So if you really love your man, you’ll let your man feel very good by admiring his masculine skills, not try to get him to appreciate all YOU can do. One fun way to do this is, if he beats you at a game, make a light-hearted, girly fuss about it and cry, “It’s not fair! You’re too good!!”
Their accomplishments. Many women have this attitude, ‘If I praise my man’s accomplishments too much, he’ll become arrogant; I need to help him by keeping him humble.’ Actually, the opposite is true. When a man doesn’t feel his accomplishments are truly appreciated, he acts more arrogant and show-offish to get yours and others’ attention. But when he feels deeply appreciated and admired for his hard work and its results, it actually humbles him. Because it’s only after he knows how much you admire him that he will tell you he’s not perfect, that he encountered extreme difficulties he almost couldn’t get through, and the like. He will feel so grateful to you that he’ll want to do and be so much more, and this kind of thinking constantly reminds him what struggles he’ll have to face in order to do this, what shortcomings he must overcome to be all he wants for you. So don’t worry about him getting an oversized head – this world is hard enough on him that no matter how much you praise him, there will be many outside his home who put him down or don’t notice his accomplishments and good qualities. On the other end of the spectrum, a man is also proud of his unaccomplished dreams and goals – never put these down. Believe in and trust him.
Their masculine characteristics. Traits that typically describe men are a source of pride. Objectiveness, steadfastness, independence, directness, roughness, ambition, intelligence. Anytime your man displays a masculine trait, point it out in a positive way. You don’t always have to overtly praise him. Some examples of noticing his masculine traits: If he’s studying calculus on a level beyond yours, look at his work over his shoulder and say, “Wow, that looks really hard.” Or if you ever need his advice on something, ask; first of all, he’ll feel flattered you want his help, and second, there are so many things you can appreciate from his answer. You can appreciate his wisdom, his willingness to help you, his honesty, his experience.
Their masculine role. A good husband/father wants to be the guide, protector and provider for his family. Although this position isn’t better than the position of the wife, still, he should be considered the leader of the household. He should be trusted, and in big matters, he should always have final say. You should make him feel that he does a better job of leading the home than you ever could, and that you are so grateful for his strength and wisdom. Ladies, it is OK to be dependent on your man financially and physically. Don’t worry about emergencies, about all the bad things that could happen, such as if he got into an accident, got laid off, or even worse. If a situation like this ever came up, THEN you can look deep inside of yourself for the strength you need to get your family through. Otherwise, we women were created to not worry about such heavy, stressful things, but to let men. This way we can maintain femininity in OUR role as wife, mother, homemaker, nurturer. It may sound too good to be true, but with a good man, it’s not. However, this isn’t to say a woman can’t have a job or career if she wants; but, she should be careful. Many bad things CAN happen, especially when a woman is extremely successful and the man isn’t. He could feel so unmasculine that he falls out of love with her and leaves; he could become like a child and depend on her financially; he could become angry. So if you have or want a career, make effort to show him it’s not for money, prestige, etc. but for your enjoyment. I recommend trusting him with the money you make. I also recommend not making more than him. Feminists would balk at this kind of advice, but feminists forget that men are men and women are women. God made a natural order to this world and the more a person tries to go against it, the more problems they may encounter.
So now that you know what men are proud of, make effort EVERY day to notice, appreciate, and admire these things. It’s not NATURAL for a woman to notice things men notice, so it’ll take work. For example, note when men get together. They’ll each boast about what they’ve recently done or accomplished, or become good at, etc. Women, on the other hand, will compliment each other on looks, talk about what they’ve been going through recently (probably emotionally, often relating to relationships), and talk about other people. So if we didn’t try, we’d probably never really see or care about what men care about. For example, I wouldn’t really CARE if my man was a pro football player, although this would impress other men. But, I could come to admire how hard he worked to become that; the fact that he had such big dreams he never gave up on; and his strength, speed, skills.
And ladies, the result of filling your man up by speaking his love language is that he becomes MADLY in love with you! It makes him want to take care of you, give you things you want, and cherish you as his irreplaceable princess. And though this isn’t the reason you should give him love (because if it was it’d be selfish love, and all humans can sense selfish love), you’ll find his love gives you more joy than you can imagine. And don’t worry about whether he’ll be able to speak your love language as well as you can speak his; when a man feels loved by a woman, he NATURALLY loves her back in her language. So yes, in a sense women have to do more work first in a relationship regarding the relationship-aspect (contrary to popular belief, because in our culture, men are often told they’re doing everything wrong and making the relationship bad; when in fact, if a woman knows what she’s doing, the relationship will be good). Women are the gender God gave wisdom, talent, and intuition to regarding relationships. Don’t wait until your man gives you what YOU want. Give him what his heart needs, and his love will flow for you.
Now, what do you think?
Hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
*This post is based on ideas from Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin*
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The Reality Of External Beauty
[The gorgeous women in this post's corresponding banner - Britney Spears, Rihanna, Jennifer Aniston, and Halle Berry - have all either been dumped, cheated on, divorced, and/or physically abused.]
Recently, Yahoo! shared an article called, Why Beauties Get Cheated On Big Time! To be honest, I was glad to see this. Why? Not because, out of jealousy, thinking about the pain of these women gives me sick pleasure. They’re real women with real feelings. No…it’s because we live in a culture that usually tells women, “If you looked this good, you’d be HAPPY! Every man would want you, and you’d get the guy of your dreams and he’d never leave!”
But the truth is, just being beautiful obviously does not guarantee keeping a man.
If all you want is to GET a man, great! But I can’t guarantee you’ll get a good man, and I can almost guarantee you won’t KEEP any man.
Ladies, is: STOP OBSESSING about being beautiful! Because EVEN IF YOU CAN BECOME AS BEAUTIFUL AS A CELEBRITY, YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED WHAT YOU’RE REALLY SEEKING: A LOVING, LASTING RELATIONSHIP.
There are much, much more effective steps you can take to basically guarantee you’ll get and keep an amazing man, and none fall under the category of “looking perfect.” Looking pretty is part of it, yes, but not looking “celebrity perfect”, if you know what I mean.
Ladies! Do you think gorgeous female celebrities have the best romantic lives?? Time and time again, we’ve heard about celebrities hooking up, breaking up, hooking up again, and breaking up again…ladies, this is NOT romantic. This is painful. This is sad. I know some of you look up to these women – they’re smart, successful, strong, sassy, sexy, desirable to men…but when it comes to love, they really don’t know much more than you. Maybe less. When it comes to true love, theirs is NOT the footsteps to follow in, unless you want your life to be filled with as much insecurity, short, shallow relationships, and painful breakups as theirs are.
Maybe I’m not being fair by clumping all female celebrities into one, as if they all act the same and have the same problems. Some are worth looking up to. Like:
Jada Pinkett Smith: Married to Will Smith for 11 years
Faith Hill: Married to Tim McGraw for 13 years
Michelle Pfeiffer: Married to David E. Kelley for 15 years
Joanne Woodward: Married to Paul Newman for 50 years!!
But honestly, the famous women many ladies, especially young women, want to be like, and especially want to LOOK like, are the extremely provocative women like Gisele Bundchen, Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Kim Kardashian, Meagan Fox, Lindsay Lohan, etc.
And yet, a lot of these women are getting dumped over and over again, marrying and divorcing, even getting physically abused. Some are/were anorexic, bulimic, alchoholic, etc. Realistically, these women go through as much pain in love and life as you and me, maybe even MORE, even though/because they’re so beautiful. To be happy in the realm of romantic love, you need to LEARN about love, about the psychology and basic, differing needs of men and women. And really cultivate a beautiful CHARACTER, which is something that will last, unlike a young, hot body. And even the beautiful women who seem to be in a happy relationship now (Angelina Jolie, Gisele Gundchen), who knows what will happen in one, five, ten years? The record of Hollywood couples staying together is EXTREMELY slim. Some you think will stay together, but suddenly it’s over! Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock got cheated on (I think for these two it’s mostly because they picked the WRONG guys, but it is also possible that even though they were good women, they didn’t understand enough the feminine art of love, seduction, and charm, or about men), JLO was married for 8 months, Renee Zellweger for 4 months, Drew Barrymore 30 days. Elizabeth Taylor has been married 8 times, and she’s sometimes considered one of the most beautiful women of all time. Marilyn Monroe married 3 times; her death was most likely suicide, at the age of 36 when she was STILL YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL. Princess Diana was SO BEAUTIFUL….but Prince Charles didn’t even love her.
Yes, this is all sad, but it makes you think twice about the value of external beauty. So if you think being incredibly beautiful will make you happy, and you’re extremely focused on it…what does it mean?
First of all, it means you’re brainwashed. You’ve let media define for you what’s important, what will make you happy, without taking a closer look at reality.
Second, it probably means you’re not ready for a REAL relationship. You’re ready to have steamy sex with hot guys who will boost your ego, but you’re not ready for real heart-connection.
Third, it means you’re scared. You’re scared of responsibility. You’re scared of hard work. You’re scared of changing. Because what’s ACTUALLY harder? Working out, putting on makeup, and donning a sexy dress and heels – OR looking inside of yourself, facing your character flaws and childhood fears, and taking steps to become a new human being, a person of real depth and character?
If you want to be externally beautiful, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s natural and healthy for a woman to want to look beautiful! But, DON’T BECOME OBSESSED WITH LOOKING LIKE A CELEBRITY. Focus, instead, on having a unique, loving personality, and on being a wholesome, healthy beautiful. The latter meaning, don’t undereat (being so skinny that you can’t even get your period…how unfeminine and sickly is that??), don’t overeat, stay flexible, strong, and alert, don’t do ANY kind of plastic surgery and the like EVER, and if you want a tan, go in the SUN, not to fake tanning beds (I personally don’t believe the sun is bad for you, even though doctors have recently been drilling into everyone how dangerous and cancer-causing it is – God CREATED the sun, it’s not evil; plus, it gives you vitamin D; but this is my opinion). Guys love to ogle curvy, lean, busty, beautiful, and yes, even “fake beautiful” women (forgive them, it’s in their biological makeup to at least NOTICE these women), and maybe want to sleep with them, but never do they want to marry her if that’s all she can offer (unless he’s a dummy, and anyway it won’t last long, will it?). And the best guys don’t even want to sleep with her because the best guys have standards. Like waiting for a real, lovely, healthy (in every way) girl he can commit his whole heart and life to. So which girl do you want to be?
Before I conclude, I need to add that being drop-dead gorgeous does NOT mean you CAN’T have a beautiful, sincere, deep love life! There are thousands of beautiful women who could be or are models, but who are also very down-to-earth, humble, genuine, and kind. So this post is in no way about putting down beautiful women, or about saying they’re all shallow types with an inability to develop true, lasting love. The women I’ve mentioned here aren’t necessarily this way. This post is only about proving that external beauty ALONE absolutely cannot guarantee winning and keeping a good man, and that for true romantic happiness there are more important things to focus on.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
P.S.: There is an entertaining show out now called True Beauty, where runway-worthy contestants think they’re being judged to see who will become the “Face of Vegas,” but actually they’re being judged for their INNER beauty. Clever, huh?;)
*****
Currently reading: The Act of Marriage (Tim & Beverly LaHaye)
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Are You REALLY Introverted?
If you’re sometimes or often shy and, partly because of this, label yourself an “introvert,” I challenge you to face the possibility that your true self is much, much more extroverted than it is now – and that maybe you’re NOT an introvert at all.
First, honestly ask yourself: “If I had NO FEARS, NO INSECURITIES, and NO SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS…would I be more extroverted?” In my experience, insecurities and fears have a tendency to hold us back – to hold us back from expressing our true emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and our personality in general.
Extroverted does NOT mean you talk a lot, seek attention, or that you constantly go to parties, social events, etc.
In MY definition, extroverted means:
- You don’t hold back from striking up conversations – with strangers, coworkers, classmates, the cashier, etc. You not only don’t hold back, but you may often feel a strong desire to connect to people, to have pleasant exchanges. Or at least to to connect through greetings (“Hello, how are you?”), eye contact, smiling, joking and laughing, etc.
- You are comfortable around people. You may not allow people to automatically know you on a deep level, but small talk with almost anyone is comfortable for you. You never rebuff anyone’s approach (unless someone is possibly dangerous, perverted, drunk, etc.), but welcome the company of people of all ages, genders, beliefs, backgrounds, “social status”, etc.
- You love to express yourself. Not because you crave attention, but because you authentically love who you are and want to share it with others. You express your opinion in conversations when it’s appropriate, welcome, and will enrich the conversation. You express yourself by laughing when you find something funny – even if no one else is laughing! You express yourself by showing many different emotions and moods whenever they come up, and not by holding back or hiding behind a mask (although certain moods should never be shown because they are ugly/hurtful/etc. and if you have these often, you need to work on your internal self!). You have so many different sides to you that no one can ever pin you down! You can also express yourself through your clothes, dancing, writing, room decor – you can find ways to express yourself in ANY area! You never hold back from allowing people to see your colors, your uniqueness, although of course, you never shove it in anyone’s face because you don’t NEED people to notice it.
- You don’t worry about what people think. If you did, you’d always be second-guessing yourself, and you’d NEVER really be fun and free! Maybe this means you go out on the dance floor and bust a move, because it’s FUN to dance, and who cares if you’re not good! Or maybe you’re taking care of a child, and you just play along, whether it’s house, dress-up, water-balloon fighting, or drawing with chalk on the sidewalk – even if your neighbors can see you! Cynical adults especially might find you ridiculous, but THEY’RE not the ones living fun, happy lives!
Of course there are values to introversion, and you may be more introverted than extroverted. To like to be alone, listen to your deep, inner thoughts, read, etc.- these activities are normal and healthy in everyone. However, I believe introversion is a largely misunderstood and misconscrued concept that some people use to justify being anti-social, socially awkward, emotionally distant, and just not that INVOLVED in life and with people.
Even if you are naturally quiet, even-tempered, mellow, and love the company of just yourself – this does NOT mean there is no extroverted nature in you, or that you have some excuse as far as being socially awkward or any of the things I just mentioned. EVERYONE should love the company of people in general, even if you love being by yourself more. And, like I mentioned before, extroversion is not about being loud or talkative. If you say you don’t like the company of people because people are stupid, mean, shallow, etc, then you might want either want to move, make new friends, or most likely, look at yourself in the mirror and ask if YOU aren’t the stupid, mean, shallow one. This arrogant attitude screams that you could stand to be friendlier, and more patient and accepting.
All people are both extroverted and introverted. An extreme tendency to only be one or the other indicates a strong possibility of partial self-denial. For example, if someone said to me, “That guys is really, really introverted,” I’d think he’s not really an emotionally healthy individual, able to make friends and enjoy life. I believe most people are MUCH, MUCH more extroverted in their true form than they will admit, and that consciously TRYING to be more outgoing is a step to a healthier, happier, and more exciting life.
Especially to those of you who are getting a little “bored” with life – I DARE you to be a little more outgoing than usual. To strike up a random conversation, to wear that beautiful dress that might turn heads, to let yourself get noticed. You probably won’t even get noticed as much as you think you will!! Not that you’re not interesting or beautiful, but what’s crazy for you is probably hardly mind-blowing for others, compared to the things they’ve seen! There are LOTS of strange, unique people in this world – stop with the excuse that people will find you “too weird” or “too uncomfortable” with the change! YOU’RE the one who’s scared to see yourself change, not them! And if they are, boy do they need to get a life or what!;D The change doesn’t have to be outrageous, just a little out of your comfort zone. You’ll feel scared at first, but then you’ll kind of like the thrill, the rush – maybe even get addicted to it – and then you’ll slowly gain confidence in yourself as you realize you can handle more than you thought. To be bored in life means that you’re not as ENGAGED in it as much as you should be, most likely because you’ve been acting too “introverted,” consumed in your own world, emotions, thoughts. You need to connect to the flowing, vibrant, positive energy that is all around you. And you can only connect to it through connecting with PEOPLE.;) And, of course, the happier and more positive those people that you connect with are, the higher the energy you will experience.
I’ll admit this post is as much for me as for you! For most of my youth I was overly-introverted, and becoming more socially comfortable has been a lot of work. But it pays off, and I’m becoming more open, confident, and positive every day. The best times in my life have been when I had the courage to step out of my friends’ and family’s shadows and SHOWN myself! When you do this, you’re really telling the world, “I love myself!” And then most people will look at you and think, “Wow, I really like her too!” I’ve made many friends and gotten a lot of respect when I was brave enough to really show myself, imperfections and all:) Although I love being quiet and reflective, and would probably still consider myself more introverted than extroverted (since, according to Jung, the fact that I “recharge” by being alone, rather than by hanging out with people, makes me introverted), I’m more and more coming out of my shell and feeling proud of myself.
So, for those of us who’ve been a little shy and quiet most of our lives, let’s really work on tapping into our courageous, “this is me,” outgoing side, and enrich our lives.:)
Paradoxically….in a future post I will address the value of silence and introversion!;)
Hope this helps:)
Love,
Masaleen
*****
Currently Reading: The Case for Marriage (Linda Waite, Maggie Gallagher); Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Lives (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
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Head Over Heart
I’d like to address the issue of women in our society often putting their heart over their head – in other words, getting into and staying in relationships with bad men because they “love” him. This post is inspired by Dr. Laura’s book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
Are you in a relationship with a man who excessively drinks, smokes, uses drugs, who is emotionally or physically abusive or neglective, who doesn’t have a job or has a hard time keeping a job, has poor relationships with his family (especially mother), has cheated, focuses more on getting attention than giving you attention, has no plans for his future, has been in jail, etc…?
Then mostly likely, you have a bad man. Ok, not bad as in he’s a bad human being who doesn’t deserve love, but a bad man to HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with. And you need to force yourself to put aside all romantic, tender feelings you have toward him, and use your head.
Ladies, we are extremely emotional creatures…we crave love, fantasy, the picture-perfect romance. We want a love that is not only steady and dependable, but also deeply emotional, and yes, in a way, “dramatic”. We don’t just want a good guy – we want to have strong feelings for a man, and him for us. We want our lives, our relationships, to have emotional depth and intensity, and this is natural, healthy. God made us this way.
The only problem is, sometimes we confuse this with emotionally UNHEALTHY drama. Maybe because that’s all we ever saw in our parents, or on TV, or with our friends.
But ladies, when it comes to men, guess what? MATURE, EMOTIONALLY STEADY QUALITIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FEELINGS.
I know, it’s hard. We like to think our emotions can steer us in the right direction. But unless you’re completely emotionally mature, with absolutely no baggage from your past, you will be attracted to unhealthy men from time to time, maybe all the time. And that’s why it’s so important sometimes to go against the grain of your emotional attractions, and to make a list of the qualities you absolutely want and NEED in a man – then start looking for those qualities. And when you see them, THEN you can let yourself develop feelings for him (slowly, as you’re getting to know him).
Take me, for example. I am now engaged, but when I first met my man, there was no spark. I did not develop an instant emotional (or sexual) desire for him. Personality-wise, he’s actually not the kind of person I thought I’d be with, or want! I always pictured myself with a talkative, outgoing, funny, charming guy. You know, the cool, light-hearted guy everyone likes. But I started reading books like Fascinating Womanhood which clearly stated that in our culture, qualities like social charm and good looks, which are so highly prized by women, are actually NOT IMPORTANT IN A MAN. Ladies, these are not MASCULINE qualities. Meaning, men do not NEED these qualities to be a good man!! So what are qualities that make a good man?
- Responsible, dependable
- Faithful
- Emotionally strong, stable
- Hard-working
- Ethical
- Determined
- Ambitious, achiever, goal-oriented
- Decisive, leader
- Brave
- Independent thinker
- Sensitive, kind, gentle, tender (though these seem like feminine qualities, REAL men are so emotionally strong they can show these qualities when appropriate without shame)
There are many other qualities, but this is a good start. And I can confidently say that my man has all these things, and more!! In fact, though it took me time to start seriously seeing him as a possible future husband (he’s quiet, loves guns, and is a military man, which I thought I wouldn’t want because of misconceptions I had;P), I now cannot see any other man even coming close to winning me as he has. The sexiest, most charming, handsome man in the world could try to win me over, but if he doesn’t have the necessary masculine qualities I described above that my fiance has, I will just see him as a desperate fool who needs to grow up. And the best part about knowing I chose a man with these qualities? I know I’m SAFE. I know it’s SAFE for me to be vulnerable with him. I know it’s safe to love him, to let my feelings for him get stronger and stronger, because he will always be there, he will always care for me and respect me. And whatever qualities I like that he doesn’t have, I can either find friends who have them, or develop them in myself. A man, a person, can’t be EVERYTHING. He just needs to have qualities that make him a good partner.
So ladies, make a list! Make a list, and commit to it. If a man comes along who you’re attracted to but who lacks two, three or more qualities on your list, let him go right away. And when a man comes along who has almost all the qualities on your list, or whom you think might, get to know him better! WORK HARD to see the good qualities he has that could make up for whatever you might have thought were necessary in the past, like being tall, athletic, handsome, rich, a comedian, whatever. I’m telling you, my shallow side could have let my fiance slip by (no one is perfect, after all, Prince Charming does NOT exist!!). Thank God I didn’t listen to it.
So my basic point is, it doesn’t matter what you FEEL if he’s NOT A GOOD MAN. Having loving feelings toward a bad man doesn’t make you someone special because you can see past his imperfections like no one else can (and therefore make you some kind of savior, or super-romantic because you “love” him when no one else does…if he could just see…) – it makes you a self-abusive girl with no life.
You need to get smart, and you need to KNOW, even if you don’t feel, that you DESERVE better. Yes, it’s feminine to have extremely strong feelings, but put the volume too high and you are just a baby who is making her own life hard. And that is unsexy and unromantic. And contrary to our culture’s instant, uncontrollable fall-in-love theory, it IS romantic to have a plan when it comes to relationships and to develop feelings with consciousness.
I don’t care if you’re old, fat, “ugly”, uneducated…you deserve to either be in a healthy relationship, or to have a healthy focus on yourself, on becoming the woman you want to be and think a good man will want. You should NEVER settle for an unhealthy relationship because you think that’s all you’ll get or deserve. Often this is the underlying reason you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Well, ok, if you don’t want to work hard then it IS all you’ll ever get. Remember, it takes courage and hard work to become a desirable woman, and to make the dynamics of a healthy relationship to feel normal, to become a habit. If you’re used to unhealthy relationships, yes, a healthy relationship will feel uncomfortable at first! Don’t use this as an excuse to go back to stupid relationships, like, “Oh, this is uncomfortable, so it must not actually be healthy/right/a good match!” Keep chugging along and you’ll start to get used to and believe you deserve all the love, respect, and kindness you’re getting. This is where I’m at now. My man is so loving, I sometimes feel overwhelmed! Like, “How do I deserve this???” But it’s so good for me, I’m so grateful, and I know in time I’ll really believe I deserve his love, the way he knows I do.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
Engagement Rant
I’d like to indulge myself in a post where I rant about my engagement…:)
So, my journey towards understanding femininity started a long time ago…I think I read Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge when I was 18 or so. After that, Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. These books introduced me to the concept that femininity is even something TO strive to understand, attain. I mean, in our self-help culture, no one EVER tells you happiness is largely attained by connecting to the essence of your sex. Anyway, I also started reading Fascinating Womanhood long ago, and although I liked what I was reading, I only got through about a quarter of it before forgetting it completely.
I started rereading it perhaps a year ago, not even, and this time it really, really connected. Maybe it’s because I was getting older, and feeling more ready for a serious relationship. Or at least, to start preparing myself mentally, emotionally… Although, I really planned on being in a serious relationship in two or three years, not anytime soon. But life happens when you’ve made other plans…
So I started reading FW consistently, and I felt so motivated to change! No other self-help book not only inspired me, but gave SUCH concrete steps for me to take to change.
Now, honestly, I didn’t have an obvious transformation. Far from it. But amazingly, during this process, I met this guy. At first, there was no obvious chemistry; no spark, no love at first sight. Although there was always a very obvious comfort factor between us. Over time, hanging out with mutual friends, we both realized we loved each other’s company! And by the time I left (I was only staying in his city temporarily), we were extremely close…you could say we were in love, although we weren’t dating, and there was no intimacy or even touching between us. We missed each other so much!
It was a little after I left that he realized that for him, I was the “one”. One thing about this guy, when he knows what he wants, he WANTS it, and he never lets go of trying to get it! For example, he’s training to be in the Marines now, which is, as he says, “the most elite fighting force in human history.” And trust me, getting into the Marines is probably one of the most challenging undertakings possible. But it’s been his dream since he was young, and even though as I write this his body is bruised and beaten up from a weekend training program, he is more determined than ever to make it, whatever it takes. (How manly is that???XD)
Anyway…so in everything he said, I could tell he was wooing me! I won’t say details, in case something embarrasses him, but let’s just say…without being sexually suggestive, or blunt in his feelings for me, he won my heart. He won it through sharing about himself – his accomplishments, his goals, his values. He won it through his kindness and sensitivity toward me, his concerned desire to make it up to me when he’d hurt me or made me mad, his love for his family, and his family’s love for him. He won it through his patience for me – everything he ever said or did was within the boundaries of our relationship “zone”, even though he was so crazy about me and wanted to share everything, all his thoughts, feelings. He never rushed me.
Anyway, although it took only a short time for us to become engaged (eight months from the time I met him), I really feel God planned this. Well, I don’t believe in predestination (where God has everything figured out and we have no control), but I do believe God gives us people and situations that will allow us true, deep happiness, if we can see it and follow our hearts. Actually, it was my fiance who said something like this…he’s very wise too, for his age, I think.
Also, and this is a really big issue with me: both my fiance and I are abstinent. From a young age we determined to keep our purity for our one and only future significant other, and although I know some may think this “uncool” or “prudish” or whatever, I think it’s really romantic. Yeah, it was REALLY hard sometimes keeping my purity, but now I’m in a relationship with a guy I saved my beautiful gift for, and who SAVED HIMSELF FOR ME…how do you think that makes me feel??? LUCKY!!!XD And, because there was nothing sexual between us before our engagement, we know absolutely that our love for each other is not based on lust (although I’m very attracted to him;). And when we get married…well, our love will go to another level, let’s just say that;))
I’m really not condemning women who aren’t virgins, though. But I really do feel that purity is getting a bad rap, when it’s actually a key element in true trust and the most sacred, beautiful kind of romance. If you’re still a virgin – or even if you’re not a virgin, please…be strong and don’t give in to a guy until he pops you the question. And then until you actually tie the knot. Please! How else will you know a guy really, truly cares about you? If you are intimate before marriage, there is a chance he’ll propose to you (assuming you want marriage), like they always do in movies, but…if they’re getting sex from you freely, most guys won’t tie themselves down with marriage! Because they just don’t HAVE to to get what THEY want from a relationship! Honestly, ladies, marriage is very beneficial to WOMEN. I think men are more easily happy in commitment-free relationships, but women, deep in their hearts, need a mature man to promise commitment to her in order for her to feel truly safe and happy in a relationship. That’s what I believe. That’s what’s true for me, at least. I would never, EVER in a million years give my body to a guy who didn’t commit himself to me, no matter how sexy, charming, or whatever he is. Because it’s just TOO EASY for him to leave whenever he wants, with no strings attached…and that’s so stressful to me. It’s easier to not TRY AS HARD in a commitment-free relationship. A guy who wants to marry is basically saying, “I KNOW that sometimes it’ll be REALLY HARD to stay with you, but because a deeper part of me loves you so much, I want to bind us together forever. Even if I sometimes forget how much I love you, this commitment will remind me, and make it hard for me to just leave when the going gets tough.”
Anyway, so maybe sometime I’ll talk about me, and things I did, that I think contributed to my man falling in love with me, to help you out. Keep in mind that I did nothing manipulative, only tapped into my latent feminine powers! That, combined with my unique personality. And I would never have wanted so much to tap into my feminine powers if I hadn’t met such a masculine, mature, incredible guy…so really, tons of credit goes to him;p
*****
Also, here’s a really cute article I found! It’s called 11 animals that mate for life. To think, some animals are better at this than humans…
Currently Reading: Bad Childhood, Good Life (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
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I’m Back!
My lovely ladies,
I’m back! After a horrible virus that completely destroyed my previous site, I’m on my feet again and will hopefully soon have this site as complete, and even fuller, than it was. And this time, there are two twists:
I will share my real name now, and thus allow even those who know me to see my vulnerabilities, my heart, my ideals, to either criticize or support. My name is Masaleen:)
Second, and for me even more importantly…ladies, I’m engaged!!!
I may only have just started this path to true femininity, but I’ve already seen it slowly transforming me. And this engagement, to me, is somewhat proof that these methods work…that women being feminine, lovely, vulnerable, etc. are effective in winning good mens’ hearts. I know that time is required for me to prove to you how permanent and valuable the ideals I promote are, but I am 100% confident that I’ve won an INCREDIBLE, loving, mature, smart, masculine, responsible man who will stand by my side until the end of time, and that as long as I remain (and become even more) beautiful, caring, fascinating, etc, we will stay in love and live a fairy tale (of course with ups and downs, but that’s life). And through my posts I will share more about my special man, and why I trust him with my whole heart and life even though I’ve come from a painful past where my parents separated. And I’ll share aspects of our relationship before and after our engagement that may be valuable for you.
So, this site may change somewhat from what it was, largely because I’m in my own serious relationship now, and can come from a different view. A much more hands-on view, I should say. I’ll share a lot about my growing relationship with my man, as well as continue to share what I know and am learning about being a woman. I hope you enjoy it!
*PS: I WILL be uploading as many of my old articles as I was able to keep saved.*
Currently Reading: Wild at Heart by John Eldredge; Parenthood by Proxy by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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God’s Beloved
” Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what colour your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart. You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are my Pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of my hand. I love you even in the face of failure. Nothing you say or do can cause me to stop loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you. Run from Me – I will love you. Spurn me – I will love you. Reject yourself – I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary. When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you- heart, mind and body. You are my desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours. ”
An author’s adaptation from 1 John 3:2; Isaiah 43:1; Matthew 13:46; Ephesians 1:4; Revelation 13:8; Psalm 194:4; Song of Solomon 7:10; 6:3).
“Who calls me Beautiful?” by Regina Franklin
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53 Simple Ways to Feel More Feminine
I’ve made a list of 53 things I believe can help you feel more feminine. Some are unique, others are more like simple reminders;) Not all will apply to or appeal to you, and that’s fine. This list is like a buffet, where you pick what looks good and try them:) Also, some don’t seem to relate to femininity directly, but to general self-improvement; this is because femininity goes far beyond what you wear or how you act. True femininity equally consists of having a good character and a beautiful heart.
1. Update your plain chap stick to lip gloss or chap stick that’s tinted, glossy, shimmery, plumping (if it has peppermint oil it’s actually naturally plumping, as peppermint oil invigorates blood flow), and/or has a nice smell.
2. Stop swearing.
3. Cook or bake something delicious for someone/others (not just for yourself) :) And not just anything, like macaroni & cheese, but something a little challenging!
4. Try a long, wavy hairdo.
5. Wear more feminine colors, like pink or lavender; feminine colors are any colors guys usually avoid.
6. Try a cosmetic product you usually don’t use – if you never wear lipstick, try it! If you usually don’t wear blush, put some on! Curl your lashes, define your brows, try liquid liner, whatever is new or unusual. Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference, and you may fall in love with a new discovery.
7. Wear a skirt, dress, or heels.
8. If you’re tired, take a nap for goodness’ sake!
9. Stop wearing unfitted, unisex t-shirts or any unisex clothing. Especially baggy sweatpants.
10. If you wear your hair up all the time, try wearing it down.
11. If you wear glasses all the time, try switching to contacts. Paired with made-up eyes, you can feel really pretty.
12. Hang out with girly girl friends instead of guy friends who treat you like “one of the guys.” Do girly things like shop at the mall or have long talks. If you don’t have many girl friends – MAKE SOME! This isn’t to say hanging out with guys takes away your femininity; it depends on what KIND of guys, whether they’re the kind who treat women like ladies, or women like they’re sex objects, the “lesser” sex, or other horrendous things.
13. Spray on cinnamon/vanilla scents. These are supposedly the most attractive scents to guys; they associate these smells with “love.”
14. Wear girly/sexy bras and underwear. Even if no one else sees them, you can feel more girly (and mysterious, as if you have a delicious secret:)).
15. Wear jewelry and accessories. Replace fake pearl jewelry with real ones!
16. Replace sneakers with cute boots or flats. These can be just as comfortable and much more feminine.
17. Generously and sincerely compliment people. Learn what “kinds” of compliments really make men feel good, and what kinds make women feel good – become a professional at making people feel really, really good!
18. Be polite. Say things like, “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Have a nice day.”
19. Stop picking your skin – cuticles, pimples, dry lips, etc.
20. Display positive, friendly body language. Keep your hands open instead of balling them into fists, keep arms apart instead of crossing them, smile, make eye contact, breathe slowly and deeply whenever you start to stress, laugh, stop tapping/fidgeting/twitching/scratching, etc.
21. Don’t share vulgar or dirty humor.
22. Wear clothes that have frills, lace, bows/ribbon, gathers, or ruffles.
23. Walk around with a book on your head to improve posture:)
24. Use shampoo and conditioner with a really strong, feminine smell so that your hair smells irresistible, especially when damp (I’ve heard guys like when a woman’s hair smells good over a girl who just smells good because of perfume).
25. Sit somewhere comfy with a blanket and some hot tea, and read a good book:)
26. Play some really girly songs and sing and dance to them! Have fun and let loose!
27. Be “housewife-ish.” Clean your room. Do the dishes, the laundry. Tidy up the living room. Put some flowers on a table. You will feel a little more respect for yourself, and anyone you live with will appreciate you.
28. Learn HOW to put on makeup so you look and feel good. Especially perfect the “natural” look, as this is the one you should most use, and which men generally like best. Youtube videos are a great place to start, and from there, just experiment. It’s an art, you won’t perfect it in a day.
29. Redecorate your room so it looks feminine.
30. Buy some real, pretty plants or flowers to place around the home and take care of them. Studies have even shown that plants in a living environment can raise your happiness level.
31. In the shower, use your hands instead of a loofah to wash your body. Maybe it sounds weird, but this helps me get in touch with my body. It’s a gentle reminder that my body is alive, beautiful, and working hard to take care of me.:)
32. If you are looking for a new job, get one where you will be encouraged to dress well and stylishly, and where you will be surrounded by lots of other women. Also, the more feminine the industry the better – clothing, cosmetics, crafts, etc. Avoid fast food restaurants, any place that requires significant physical work, and any place where you’re basically allowed to wear whatever you want (and where you notice the employees take advantage of this – by practically wearing pajamas!). This basically applies to young women who just need to work while they’re studying for their degree, etc. Office jobs can be good too, because you’re usually encouraged to look professional. Just be careful not to look too stiff or serious, and instead, wear clothing that’s feminine AND professional. If you normally wear pant suits to work, try skirt suits.
33. Watch how you talk. If you talk fast, slow down. If you mumble, speak clearly. If you use a low voice, practice using your head voice. If you talk too much, listen more! If people can barely hear you, speak up.
34. Watch a good chick flick. Cry when there’s a sad scene! Express your happiness when something cute and romantic happens!
35. Next time you pass by a pet store, go inside! Look at the cute puppies and animals and let yourself go ga-ga over them.
36. STOP gossiping, criticizing, and complaining. Whenever you feel the urge to, just KEEP SILENT. It might be hard, but it’s worth it. Start seeing the good in people and in your life instead; there’s no need to have give and take with ugliness. It will not make you a better person. And, if people associate you with negativity, they won’t want to be around you; they might even be scared to get to know you, and you, them.
37. Get some girly pajamas. Try to avoid pants and a top, unless the pattern, material, design, etc. is very feminine. I highly recommend night gowns. If you’re married, the sexier the better!
38. Drop cynicism – cynical sarcasm, jokes, comments.
39. Hum.
40. Replace gum with something like Ice Breakers or Altoids; chewing gum looks unattractive. If you’re extremely attached to gum, switching to a cinnamon gum is a bit of a step up for two reasons: men love the smell of cinnamon (they associate it with love) AND it actually makes your breath fresher by killing the bacteria in your mouth instead of just covering it up.
41. Shave your legs, even in the winter when you don’t “have” to.
42. Don’t depend on showing lots of skin, cleavage, etc. to get attention as a woman. Focus on your aura, attitude, the way you hold yourself, and the style of your clothes instead.
43. Take a long, hot bath by candlelight and soothing music. There are many things you can put in your bath to feel feminine, such as essential oils, sweet-smelling bubble bath solution, rose petals, epsom salt (relaxes muscles, can be bought cheap at Walmart), and there are lots of products made especially for baths (I especially recommend Burt’s Bees and Bath & Body Works)
44. Wear earrings every day, even if they’re just studs.
45. Take smaller bites. Chew more slowly.
46. Spend time with really cute little kids. Especially happy little girls who LOVE BEING girly, and have no shame immersing themselves in girly things and activities – Barbies, Disney princesses, dress-up, pink, singing, baby animals, glitter, twirling around in frilly skirts, etc.
47. Keep a diary. Diaries help you get in touch with your emotions and clear your mind. My brother just shared with me that he thinks it’s cute when girls write in diaries.
48. Donate to a charity or cause that helps those for whom your heart is sincerely concerned. Or even better, volunteer your time. Charity is an essential trait in a truly feminine woman.
49. If you smoke, try to avoid smoking in front of men. Of course, quitting is the best choice but isn’t exactly “simple.” For my brother, smoking is THE most unattractive thing women do.
50. If you’re normal, you probably almost daily see and interact with people outside your home. So, wear makeup daily! Even if it’s just enough for you to be able to look in the mirror and not think, “I look so ______ (ugly, plain, scary, old, tired, you fill in the blank).”
51. Wear nail polish 24-7, even if it’s just clear or cream-colored. Rich, red nail polish is especially sexy & feminine for fancy occassions.
52. Don’t listen to rap, heavy metal, screamo, or anything of the like. Even rock is unfeminine; it’s fine to like, but shouldn’t be the only thing you listen to.
53. Read Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin and learn the core principles of true femininity.
Hope this helps in your exciting, healing journey to becoming a beautiful, feminine woman!
Here is a testimony I found online of a girl who determined to become girly and reached her goal in 1 month! You go girl!
Link: Look more girly
“To me, being a female is an honor. I feel blessed (not saying that being a male is terrible, and you shouldn’t feel blessed if you are one), and I have a lot of fun playing my feminine role. Make-up, clothing, boys and and other stuff is fun, but it is just a surface part of it. I want to FEEL like a woman. I want to embrace the power, that we, as women have. Being beautiful, strong, powerful, and still a gentle female is what I want to live my life by.” -wearegalaxies
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Learning to Speak the Male Love Language
Being in a relationship is all about unselfishness. And by unselfishness, I mean more than doing whatever comes naturally to you, whether that’s buying gifts, hugging, spending time together, doing things for them, etc. In man-woman relationships, especially, it’s all about learning what the other gender needs – emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. And this takes conscious, ongoing, sometimes uncomfortable effort, until it becomes habit.
So how do you speak the male love language? How do you fill up a man, make him feel so loved he thinks he’ll explode, so loved he’s inspired to do things for you, give things to you, take care of you forever?
First, you have to know what men pride themselves on. Then, you need to make conscious effort to notice these things in every form. Last, you need to compliment him on these things, and complimenting doesn’t always have to be verbal, although this is probably the most effective.
So, what do men pride themselves on? Everything they have that women don’t, and everything they’re (usually) better at than women. Before I go on, rid yourself of the feministic attitude that looks down on things men are proud of! That kind of arrogance is ugly, cruel, and will only bring misery to relationships.
Men are proud of:
Their masculine body. Appreciate his strength when he does something strenuous. When you touch his body, frequently focus on and linger on his masculine aspects – pecs, biceps, jawline, six-pack (if he has one), even hairyness. And become blind to any non-masculine qualities he has – shortness, frailness, etc. Don’t joke about these things. If it’s habit to do so, then change! Joke about how STRONG he is – for example, when my man is tickling me and pinning my struggling arms down so he can do so, I might say, “It’s not fair, you’re too strong!!” Or if he’s short, constantly tell him he’s tall – to YOU. Unless he’s actually much shorter than you, in which case you’ll have to think of something else. Maybe you can frequently strategically place yourself in a lower position, such as by sitting down while he’s standing up, and looking up at him admiringly. My man isn’t too tall, but he’s 6″ taller than me and I always tell him he’s very tall to me. I tell him I wouldn’t want him to be taller because then it’d be hard to kiss him!
Their masculine abilities. Fixing cars, sports, fighting, math and science, running a business, hunting, fishing, building or inventing things. Even if you are very good at a masculine thing, you should not compete with your man in that area, or brag about it. Feminist women would say a man should be mature enough not to feel threatened or insecure when around such accomplished, skilled women, and to an extent yes, good men do not; however, it’s about LETTING a man FEEL like a man. Women have to understand that this feeling is one of the best feelings in the whole world to men. So if you really love your man, you’ll let your man feel very good by admiring his masculine skills, not try to get him to appreciate all YOU can do. One fun way to do this is, if he beats you at a game, make a light-hearted, girly fuss about it and cry, “It’s not fair! You’re too good!!”
Their accomplishments. Many women have this attitude, ‘If I praise my man’s accomplishments too much, he’ll become arrogant; I need to help him by keeping him humble.’ Actually, the opposite is true. When a man doesn’t feel his accomplishments are truly appreciated, he acts more arrogant and show-offish to get yours and others’ attention. But when he feels deeply appreciated and admired for his hard work and its results, it actually humbles him. Because it’s only after he knows how much you admire him that he will tell you he’s not perfect, that he encountered extreme difficulties he almost couldn’t get through, and the like. He will feel so grateful to you that he’ll want to do and be so much more, and this kind of thinking constantly reminds him what struggles he’ll have to face in order to do this, what shortcomings he must overcome to be all he wants for you. So don’t worry about him getting an oversized head – this world is hard enough on him that no matter how much you praise him, there will be many outside his home who put him down or don’t notice his accomplishments and good qualities. On the other end of the spectrum, a man is also proud of his unaccomplished dreams and goals – never put these down. Believe in and trust him.
Their masculine characteristics. Traits that typically describe men are a source of pride. Objectiveness, steadfastness, independence, directness, roughness, ambition, intelligence. Anytime your man displays a masculine trait, point it out in a positive way. You don’t always have to overtly praise him. Some examples of noticing his masculine traits: If he’s studying calculus on a level beyond yours, look at his work over his shoulder and say, “Wow, that looks really hard.” Or if you ever need his advice on something, ask; first of all, he’ll feel flattered you want his help, and second, there are so many things you can appreciate from his answer. You can appreciate his wisdom, his willingness to help you, his honesty, his experience.
Their masculine role. A good husband/father wants to be the guide, protector and provider for his family. Although this position isn’t better than the position of the wife, still, he should be considered the leader of the household. He should be trusted, and in big matters, he should always have final say. You should make him feel that he does a better job of leading the home than you ever could, and that you are so grateful for his strength and wisdom. Ladies, it is OK to be dependent on your man financially and physically. Don’t worry about emergencies, about all the bad things that could happen, such as if he got into an accident, got laid off, or even worse. If a situation like this ever came up, THEN you can look deep inside of yourself for the strength you need to get your family through. Otherwise, we women were created to not worry about such heavy, stressful things, but to let men. This way we can maintain femininity in OUR role as wife, mother, homemaker, nurturer. It may sound too good to be true, but with a good man, it’s not. However, this isn’t to say a woman can’t have a job or career if she wants; but, she should be careful. Many bad things CAN happen, especially when a woman is extremely successful and the man isn’t. He could feel so unmasculine that he falls out of love with her and leaves; he could become like a child and depend on her financially; he could become angry. So if you have or want a career, make effort to show him it’s not for money, prestige, etc. but for your enjoyment. I recommend trusting him with the money you make. I also recommend not making more than him. Feminists would balk at this kind of advice, but feminists forget that men are men and women are women. God made a natural order to this world and the more a person tries to go against it, the more problems they may encounter.
So now that you know what men are proud of, make effort EVERY day to notice, appreciate, and admire these things. It’s not NATURAL for a woman to notice things men notice, so it’ll take work. For example, note when men get together. They’ll each boast about what they’ve recently done or accomplished, or become good at, etc. Women, on the other hand, will compliment each other on looks, talk about what they’ve been going through recently (probably emotionally, often relating to relationships), and talk about other people. So if we didn’t try, we’d probably never really see or care about what men care about. For example, I wouldn’t really CARE if my man was a pro football player, although this would impress other men. But, I could come to admire how hard he worked to become that; the fact that he had such big dreams he never gave up on; and his strength, speed, skills.
And ladies, the result of filling your man up by speaking his love language is that he becomes MADLY in love with you! It makes him want to take care of you, give you things you want, and cherish you as his irreplaceable princess. And though this isn’t the reason you should give him love (because if it was it’d be selfish love, and all humans can sense selfish love), you’ll find his love gives you more joy than you can imagine. And don’t worry about whether he’ll be able to speak your love language as well as you can speak his; when a man feels loved by a woman, he NATURALLY loves her back in her language. So yes, in a sense women have to do more work first in a relationship regarding the relationship-aspect (contrary to popular belief, because in our culture, men are often told they’re doing everything wrong and making the relationship bad; when in fact, if a woman knows what she’s doing, the relationship will be good). Women are the gender God gave wisdom, talent, and intuition to regarding relationships. Don’t wait until your man gives you what YOU want. Give him what his heart needs, and his love will flow for you.
Now, what do you think?
Hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
*This post is based on ideas from Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin*
The Reality Of External Beauty
[The gorgeous women in this post's corresponding banner - Britney Spears, Rihanna, Jennifer Aniston, and Halle Berry - have all either been dumped, cheated on, divorced, and/or physically abused.]
Recently, Yahoo! shared an article called, Why Beauties Get Cheated On Big Time! To be honest, I was glad to see this. Why? Not because, out of jealousy, thinking about the pain of these women gives me sick pleasure. They’re real women with real feelings. No…it’s because we live in a culture that usually tells women, “If you looked this good, you’d be HAPPY! Every man would want you, and you’d get the guy of your dreams and he’d never leave!”
But the truth is, just being beautiful obviously does not guarantee keeping a man.
If all you want is to GET a man, great! But I can’t guarantee you’ll get a good man, and I can almost guarantee you won’t KEEP any man.
Ladies, is: STOP OBSESSING about being beautiful! Because EVEN IF YOU CAN BECOME AS BEAUTIFUL AS A CELEBRITY, YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED WHAT YOU’RE REALLY SEEKING: A LOVING, LASTING RELATIONSHIP.
There are much, much more effective steps you can take to basically guarantee you’ll get and keep an amazing man, and none fall under the category of “looking perfect.” Looking pretty is part of it, yes, but not looking “celebrity perfect”, if you know what I mean.
Ladies! Do you think gorgeous female celebrities have the best romantic lives?? Time and time again, we’ve heard about celebrities hooking up, breaking up, hooking up again, and breaking up again…ladies, this is NOT romantic. This is painful. This is sad. I know some of you look up to these women – they’re smart, successful, strong, sassy, sexy, desirable to men…but when it comes to love, they really don’t know much more than you. Maybe less. When it comes to true love, theirs is NOT the footsteps to follow in, unless you want your life to be filled with as much insecurity, short, shallow relationships, and painful breakups as theirs are.
Maybe I’m not being fair by clumping all female celebrities into one, as if they all act the same and have the same problems. Some are worth looking up to. Like:
Jada Pinkett Smith: Married to Will Smith for 11 years
Faith Hill: Married to Tim McGraw for 13 years
Michelle Pfeiffer: Married to David E. Kelley for 15 years
Joanne Woodward: Married to Paul Newman for 50 years!!
But honestly, the famous women many ladies, especially young women, want to be like, and especially want to LOOK like, are the extremely provocative women like Gisele Bundchen, Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Kim Kardashian, Meagan Fox, Lindsay Lohan, etc.
And yet, a lot of these women are getting dumped over and over again, marrying and divorcing, even getting physically abused. Some are/were anorexic, bulimic, alchoholic, etc. Realistically, these women go through as much pain in love and life as you and me, maybe even MORE, even though/because they’re so beautiful. To be happy in the realm of romantic love, you need to LEARN about love, about the psychology and basic, differing needs of men and women. And really cultivate a beautiful CHARACTER, which is something that will last, unlike a young, hot body. And even the beautiful women who seem to be in a happy relationship now (Angelina Jolie, Gisele Gundchen), who knows what will happen in one, five, ten years? The record of Hollywood couples staying together is EXTREMELY slim. Some you think will stay together, but suddenly it’s over! Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock got cheated on (I think for these two it’s mostly because they picked the WRONG guys, but it is also possible that even though they were good women, they didn’t understand enough the feminine art of love, seduction, and charm, or about men), JLO was married for 8 months, Renee Zellweger for 4 months, Drew Barrymore 30 days. Elizabeth Taylor has been married 8 times, and she’s sometimes considered one of the most beautiful women of all time. Marilyn Monroe married 3 times; her death was most likely suicide, at the age of 36 when she was STILL YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL. Princess Diana was SO BEAUTIFUL….but Prince Charles didn’t even love her.
Yes, this is all sad, but it makes you think twice about the value of external beauty. So if you think being incredibly beautiful will make you happy, and you’re extremely focused on it…what does it mean?
First of all, it means you’re brainwashed. You’ve let media define for you what’s important, what will make you happy, without taking a closer look at reality.
Second, it probably means you’re not ready for a REAL relationship. You’re ready to have steamy sex with hot guys who will boost your ego, but you’re not ready for real heart-connection.
Third, it means you’re scared. You’re scared of responsibility. You’re scared of hard work. You’re scared of changing. Because what’s ACTUALLY harder? Working out, putting on makeup, and donning a sexy dress and heels – OR looking inside of yourself, facing your character flaws and childhood fears, and taking steps to become a new human being, a person of real depth and character?
If you want to be externally beautiful, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s natural and healthy for a woman to want to look beautiful! But, DON’T BECOME OBSESSED WITH LOOKING LIKE A CELEBRITY. Focus, instead, on having a unique, loving personality, and on being a wholesome, healthy beautiful. The latter meaning, don’t undereat (being so skinny that you can’t even get your period…how unfeminine and sickly is that??), don’t overeat, stay flexible, strong, and alert, don’t do ANY kind of plastic surgery and the like EVER, and if you want a tan, go in the SUN, not to fake tanning beds (I personally don’t believe the sun is bad for you, even though doctors have recently been drilling into everyone how dangerous and cancer-causing it is – God CREATED the sun, it’s not evil; plus, it gives you vitamin D; but this is my opinion). Guys love to ogle curvy, lean, busty, beautiful, and yes, even “fake beautiful” women (forgive them, it’s in their biological makeup to at least NOTICE these women), and maybe want to sleep with them, but never do they want to marry her if that’s all she can offer (unless he’s a dummy, and anyway it won’t last long, will it?). And the best guys don’t even want to sleep with her because the best guys have standards. Like waiting for a real, lovely, healthy (in every way) girl he can commit his whole heart and life to. So which girl do you want to be?
Before I conclude, I need to add that being drop-dead gorgeous does NOT mean you CAN’T have a beautiful, sincere, deep love life! There are thousands of beautiful women who could be or are models, but who are also very down-to-earth, humble, genuine, and kind. So this post is in no way about putting down beautiful women, or about saying they’re all shallow types with an inability to develop true, lasting love. The women I’ve mentioned here aren’t necessarily this way. This post is only about proving that external beauty ALONE absolutely cannot guarantee winning and keeping a good man, and that for true romantic happiness there are more important things to focus on.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
P.S.: There is an entertaining show out now called True Beauty, where runway-worthy contestants think they’re being judged to see who will become the “Face of Vegas,” but actually they’re being judged for their INNER beauty. Clever, huh?;)
*****
Currently reading: The Act of Marriage (Tim & Beverly LaHaye)
Are You REALLY Introverted?
If you’re sometimes or often shy and, partly because of this, label yourself an “introvert,” I challenge you to face the possibility that your true self is much, much more extroverted than it is now – and that maybe you’re NOT an introvert at all.
First, honestly ask yourself: “If I had NO FEARS, NO INSECURITIES, and NO SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS…would I be more extroverted?” In my experience, insecurities and fears have a tendency to hold us back – to hold us back from expressing our true emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and our personality in general.
Extroverted does NOT mean you talk a lot, seek attention, or that you constantly go to parties, social events, etc.
In MY definition, extroverted means:
- You don’t hold back from striking up conversations – with strangers, coworkers, classmates, the cashier, etc. You not only don’t hold back, but you may often feel a strong desire to connect to people, to have pleasant exchanges. Or at least to to connect through greetings (“Hello, how are you?”), eye contact, smiling, joking and laughing, etc.
- You are comfortable around people. You may not allow people to automatically know you on a deep level, but small talk with almost anyone is comfortable for you. You never rebuff anyone’s approach (unless someone is possibly dangerous, perverted, drunk, etc.), but welcome the company of people of all ages, genders, beliefs, backgrounds, “social status”, etc.
- You love to express yourself. Not because you crave attention, but because you authentically love who you are and want to share it with others. You express your opinion in conversations when it’s appropriate, welcome, and will enrich the conversation. You express yourself by laughing when you find something funny – even if no one else is laughing! You express yourself by showing many different emotions and moods whenever they come up, and not by holding back or hiding behind a mask (although certain moods should never be shown because they are ugly/hurtful/etc. and if you have these often, you need to work on your internal self!). You have so many different sides to you that no one can ever pin you down! You can also express yourself through your clothes, dancing, writing, room decor – you can find ways to express yourself in ANY area! You never hold back from allowing people to see your colors, your uniqueness, although of course, you never shove it in anyone’s face because you don’t NEED people to notice it.
- You don’t worry about what people think. If you did, you’d always be second-guessing yourself, and you’d NEVER really be fun and free! Maybe this means you go out on the dance floor and bust a move, because it’s FUN to dance, and who cares if you’re not good! Or maybe you’re taking care of a child, and you just play along, whether it’s house, dress-up, water-balloon fighting, or drawing with chalk on the sidewalk – even if your neighbors can see you! Cynical adults especially might find you ridiculous, but THEY’RE not the ones living fun, happy lives!
Of course there are values to introversion, and you may be more introverted than extroverted. To like to be alone, listen to your deep, inner thoughts, read, etc.- these activities are normal and healthy in everyone. However, I believe introversion is a largely misunderstood and misconscrued concept that some people use to justify being anti-social, socially awkward, emotionally distant, and just not that INVOLVED in life and with people.
Even if you are naturally quiet, even-tempered, mellow, and love the company of just yourself – this does NOT mean there is no extroverted nature in you, or that you have some excuse as far as being socially awkward or any of the things I just mentioned. EVERYONE should love the company of people in general, even if you love being by yourself more. And, like I mentioned before, extroversion is not about being loud or talkative. If you say you don’t like the company of people because people are stupid, mean, shallow, etc, then you might want either want to move, make new friends, or most likely, look at yourself in the mirror and ask if YOU aren’t the stupid, mean, shallow one. This arrogant attitude screams that you could stand to be friendlier, and more patient and accepting.
All people are both extroverted and introverted. An extreme tendency to only be one or the other indicates a strong possibility of partial self-denial. For example, if someone said to me, “That guys is really, really introverted,” I’d think he’s not really an emotionally healthy individual, able to make friends and enjoy life. I believe most people are MUCH, MUCH more extroverted in their true form than they will admit, and that consciously TRYING to be more outgoing is a step to a healthier, happier, and more exciting life.
Especially to those of you who are getting a little “bored” with life – I DARE you to be a little more outgoing than usual. To strike up a random conversation, to wear that beautiful dress that might turn heads, to let yourself get noticed. You probably won’t even get noticed as much as you think you will!! Not that you’re not interesting or beautiful, but what’s crazy for you is probably hardly mind-blowing for others, compared to the things they’ve seen! There are LOTS of strange, unique people in this world – stop with the excuse that people will find you “too weird” or “too uncomfortable” with the change! YOU’RE the one who’s scared to see yourself change, not them! And if they are, boy do they need to get a life or what!;D The change doesn’t have to be outrageous, just a little out of your comfort zone. You’ll feel scared at first, but then you’ll kind of like the thrill, the rush – maybe even get addicted to it – and then you’ll slowly gain confidence in yourself as you realize you can handle more than you thought. To be bored in life means that you’re not as ENGAGED in it as much as you should be, most likely because you’ve been acting too “introverted,” consumed in your own world, emotions, thoughts. You need to connect to the flowing, vibrant, positive energy that is all around you. And you can only connect to it through connecting with PEOPLE.;) And, of course, the happier and more positive those people that you connect with are, the higher the energy you will experience.
I’ll admit this post is as much for me as for you! For most of my youth I was overly-introverted, and becoming more socially comfortable has been a lot of work. But it pays off, and I’m becoming more open, confident, and positive every day. The best times in my life have been when I had the courage to step out of my friends’ and family’s shadows and SHOWN myself! When you do this, you’re really telling the world, “I love myself!” And then most people will look at you and think, “Wow, I really like her too!” I’ve made many friends and gotten a lot of respect when I was brave enough to really show myself, imperfections and all:) Although I love being quiet and reflective, and would probably still consider myself more introverted than extroverted (since, according to Jung, the fact that I “recharge” by being alone, rather than by hanging out with people, makes me introverted), I’m more and more coming out of my shell and feeling proud of myself.
So, for those of us who’ve been a little shy and quiet most of our lives, let’s really work on tapping into our courageous, “this is me,” outgoing side, and enrich our lives.:)
Paradoxically….in a future post I will address the value of silence and introversion!;)
Hope this helps:)
Love,
Masaleen
*****
Currently Reading: The Case for Marriage (Linda Waite, Maggie Gallagher); Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Lives (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
Head Over Heart
I’d like to address the issue of women in our society often putting their heart over their head – in other words, getting into and staying in relationships with bad men because they “love” him. This post is inspired by Dr. Laura’s book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
Are you in a relationship with a man who excessively drinks, smokes, uses drugs, who is emotionally or physically abusive or neglective, who doesn’t have a job or has a hard time keeping a job, has poor relationships with his family (especially mother), has cheated, focuses more on getting attention than giving you attention, has no plans for his future, has been in jail, etc…?
Then mostly likely, you have a bad man. Ok, not bad as in he’s a bad human being who doesn’t deserve love, but a bad man to HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with. And you need to force yourself to put aside all romantic, tender feelings you have toward him, and use your head.
Ladies, we are extremely emotional creatures…we crave love, fantasy, the picture-perfect romance. We want a love that is not only steady and dependable, but also deeply emotional, and yes, in a way, “dramatic”. We don’t just want a good guy – we want to have strong feelings for a man, and him for us. We want our lives, our relationships, to have emotional depth and intensity, and this is natural, healthy. God made us this way.
The only problem is, sometimes we confuse this with emotionally UNHEALTHY drama. Maybe because that’s all we ever saw in our parents, or on TV, or with our friends.
But ladies, when it comes to men, guess what? MATURE, EMOTIONALLY STEADY QUALITIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FEELINGS.
I know, it’s hard. We like to think our emotions can steer us in the right direction. But unless you’re completely emotionally mature, with absolutely no baggage from your past, you will be attracted to unhealthy men from time to time, maybe all the time. And that’s why it’s so important sometimes to go against the grain of your emotional attractions, and to make a list of the qualities you absolutely want and NEED in a man – then start looking for those qualities. And when you see them, THEN you can let yourself develop feelings for him (slowly, as you’re getting to know him).
Take me, for example. I am now engaged, but when I first met my man, there was no spark. I did not develop an instant emotional (or sexual) desire for him. Personality-wise, he’s actually not the kind of person I thought I’d be with, or want! I always pictured myself with a talkative, outgoing, funny, charming guy. You know, the cool, light-hearted guy everyone likes. But I started reading books like Fascinating Womanhood which clearly stated that in our culture, qualities like social charm and good looks, which are so highly prized by women, are actually NOT IMPORTANT IN A MAN. Ladies, these are not MASCULINE qualities. Meaning, men do not NEED these qualities to be a good man!! So what are qualities that make a good man?
- Responsible, dependable
- Faithful
- Emotionally strong, stable
- Hard-working
- Ethical
- Determined
- Ambitious, achiever, goal-oriented
- Decisive, leader
- Brave
- Independent thinker
- Sensitive, kind, gentle, tender (though these seem like feminine qualities, REAL men are so emotionally strong they can show these qualities when appropriate without shame)
There are many other qualities, but this is a good start. And I can confidently say that my man has all these things, and more!! In fact, though it took me time to start seriously seeing him as a possible future husband (he’s quiet, loves guns, and is a military man, which I thought I wouldn’t want because of misconceptions I had;P), I now cannot see any other man even coming close to winning me as he has. The sexiest, most charming, handsome man in the world could try to win me over, but if he doesn’t have the necessary masculine qualities I described above that my fiance has, I will just see him as a desperate fool who needs to grow up. And the best part about knowing I chose a man with these qualities? I know I’m SAFE. I know it’s SAFE for me to be vulnerable with him. I know it’s safe to love him, to let my feelings for him get stronger and stronger, because he will always be there, he will always care for me and respect me. And whatever qualities I like that he doesn’t have, I can either find friends who have them, or develop them in myself. A man, a person, can’t be EVERYTHING. He just needs to have qualities that make him a good partner.
So ladies, make a list! Make a list, and commit to it. If a man comes along who you’re attracted to but who lacks two, three or more qualities on your list, let him go right away. And when a man comes along who has almost all the qualities on your list, or whom you think might, get to know him better! WORK HARD to see the good qualities he has that could make up for whatever you might have thought were necessary in the past, like being tall, athletic, handsome, rich, a comedian, whatever. I’m telling you, my shallow side could have let my fiance slip by (no one is perfect, after all, Prince Charming does NOT exist!!). Thank God I didn’t listen to it.
So my basic point is, it doesn’t matter what you FEEL if he’s NOT A GOOD MAN. Having loving feelings toward a bad man doesn’t make you someone special because you can see past his imperfections like no one else can (and therefore make you some kind of savior, or super-romantic because you “love” him when no one else does…if he could just see…) – it makes you a self-abusive girl with no life.
You need to get smart, and you need to KNOW, even if you don’t feel, that you DESERVE better. Yes, it’s feminine to have extremely strong feelings, but put the volume too high and you are just a baby who is making her own life hard. And that is unsexy and unromantic. And contrary to our culture’s instant, uncontrollable fall-in-love theory, it IS romantic to have a plan when it comes to relationships and to develop feelings with consciousness.
I don’t care if you’re old, fat, “ugly”, uneducated…you deserve to either be in a healthy relationship, or to have a healthy focus on yourself, on becoming the woman you want to be and think a good man will want. You should NEVER settle for an unhealthy relationship because you think that’s all you’ll get or deserve. Often this is the underlying reason you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Well, ok, if you don’t want to work hard then it IS all you’ll ever get. Remember, it takes courage and hard work to become a desirable woman, and to make the dynamics of a healthy relationship to feel normal, to become a habit. If you’re used to unhealthy relationships, yes, a healthy relationship will feel uncomfortable at first! Don’t use this as an excuse to go back to stupid relationships, like, “Oh, this is uncomfortable, so it must not actually be healthy/right/a good match!” Keep chugging along and you’ll start to get used to and believe you deserve all the love, respect, and kindness you’re getting. This is where I’m at now. My man is so loving, I sometimes feel overwhelmed! Like, “How do I deserve this???” But it’s so good for me, I’m so grateful, and I know in time I’ll really believe I deserve his love, the way he knows I do.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Masaleen
Engagement Rant
I’d like to indulge myself in a post where I rant about my engagement…:)
So, my journey towards understanding femininity started a long time ago…I think I read Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge when I was 18 or so. After that, Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. These books introduced me to the concept that femininity is even something TO strive to understand, attain. I mean, in our self-help culture, no one EVER tells you happiness is largely attained by connecting to the essence of your sex. Anyway, I also started reading Fascinating Womanhood long ago, and although I liked what I was reading, I only got through about a quarter of it before forgetting it completely.
I started rereading it perhaps a year ago, not even, and this time it really, really connected. Maybe it’s because I was getting older, and feeling more ready for a serious relationship. Or at least, to start preparing myself mentally, emotionally… Although, I really planned on being in a serious relationship in two or three years, not anytime soon. But life happens when you’ve made other plans…
So I started reading FW consistently, and I felt so motivated to change! No other self-help book not only inspired me, but gave SUCH concrete steps for me to take to change.
Now, honestly, I didn’t have an obvious transformation. Far from it. But amazingly, during this process, I met this guy. At first, there was no obvious chemistry; no spark, no love at first sight. Although there was always a very obvious comfort factor between us. Over time, hanging out with mutual friends, we both realized we loved each other’s company! And by the time I left (I was only staying in his city temporarily), we were extremely close…you could say we were in love, although we weren’t dating, and there was no intimacy or even touching between us. We missed each other so much!
It was a little after I left that he realized that for him, I was the “one”. One thing about this guy, when he knows what he wants, he WANTS it, and he never lets go of trying to get it! For example, he’s training to be in the Marines now, which is, as he says, “the most elite fighting force in human history.” And trust me, getting into the Marines is probably one of the most challenging undertakings possible. But it’s been his dream since he was young, and even though as I write this his body is bruised and beaten up from a weekend training program, he is more determined than ever to make it, whatever it takes. (How manly is that???XD)
Anyway…so in everything he said, I could tell he was wooing me! I won’t say details, in case something embarrasses him, but let’s just say…without being sexually suggestive, or blunt in his feelings for me, he won my heart. He won it through sharing about himself – his accomplishments, his goals, his values. He won it through his kindness and sensitivity toward me, his concerned desire to make it up to me when he’d hurt me or made me mad, his love for his family, and his family’s love for him. He won it through his patience for me – everything he ever said or did was within the boundaries of our relationship “zone”, even though he was so crazy about me and wanted to share everything, all his thoughts, feelings. He never rushed me.
Anyway, although it took only a short time for us to become engaged (eight months from the time I met him), I really feel God planned this. Well, I don’t believe in predestination (where God has everything figured out and we have no control), but I do believe God gives us people and situations that will allow us true, deep happiness, if we can see it and follow our hearts. Actually, it was my fiance who said something like this…he’s very wise too, for his age, I think.
Also, and this is a really big issue with me: both my fiance and I are abstinent. From a young age we determined to keep our purity for our one and only future significant other, and although I know some may think this “uncool” or “prudish” or whatever, I think it’s really romantic. Yeah, it was REALLY hard sometimes keeping my purity, but now I’m in a relationship with a guy I saved my beautiful gift for, and who SAVED HIMSELF FOR ME…how do you think that makes me feel??? LUCKY!!!XD And, because there was nothing sexual between us before our engagement, we know absolutely that our love for each other is not based on lust (although I’m very attracted to him;). And when we get married…well, our love will go to another level, let’s just say that;))
I’m really not condemning women who aren’t virgins, though. But I really do feel that purity is getting a bad rap, when it’s actually a key element in true trust and the most sacred, beautiful kind of romance. If you’re still a virgin – or even if you’re not a virgin, please…be strong and don’t give in to a guy until he pops you the question. And then until you actually tie the knot. Please! How else will you know a guy really, truly cares about you? If you are intimate before marriage, there is a chance he’ll propose to you (assuming you want marriage), like they always do in movies, but…if they’re getting sex from you freely, most guys won’t tie themselves down with marriage! Because they just don’t HAVE to to get what THEY want from a relationship! Honestly, ladies, marriage is very beneficial to WOMEN. I think men are more easily happy in commitment-free relationships, but women, deep in their hearts, need a mature man to promise commitment to her in order for her to feel truly safe and happy in a relationship. That’s what I believe. That’s what’s true for me, at least. I would never, EVER in a million years give my body to a guy who didn’t commit himself to me, no matter how sexy, charming, or whatever he is. Because it’s just TOO EASY for him to leave whenever he wants, with no strings attached…and that’s so stressful to me. It’s easier to not TRY AS HARD in a commitment-free relationship. A guy who wants to marry is basically saying, “I KNOW that sometimes it’ll be REALLY HARD to stay with you, but because a deeper part of me loves you so much, I want to bind us together forever. Even if I sometimes forget how much I love you, this commitment will remind me, and make it hard for me to just leave when the going gets tough.”
Anyway, so maybe sometime I’ll talk about me, and things I did, that I think contributed to my man falling in love with me, to help you out. Keep in mind that I did nothing manipulative, only tapped into my latent feminine powers! That, combined with my unique personality. And I would never have wanted so much to tap into my feminine powers if I hadn’t met such a masculine, mature, incredible guy…so really, tons of credit goes to him;p
*****
Also, here’s a really cute article I found! It’s called 11 animals that mate for life. To think, some animals are better at this than humans…
Currently Reading: Bad Childhood, Good Life (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
I’m Back!
My lovely ladies,
I’m back! After a horrible virus that completely destroyed my previous site, I’m on my feet again and will hopefully soon have this site as complete, and even fuller, than it was. And this time, there are two twists:
I will share my real name now, and thus allow even those who know me to see my vulnerabilities, my heart, my ideals, to either criticize or support. My name is Masaleen:)
Second, and for me even more importantly…ladies, I’m engaged!!!
I may only have just started this path to true femininity, but I’ve already seen it slowly transforming me. And this engagement, to me, is somewhat proof that these methods work…that women being feminine, lovely, vulnerable, etc. are effective in winning good mens’ hearts. I know that time is required for me to prove to you how permanent and valuable the ideals I promote are, but I am 100% confident that I’ve won an INCREDIBLE, loving, mature, smart, masculine, responsible man who will stand by my side until the end of time, and that as long as I remain (and become even more) beautiful, caring, fascinating, etc, we will stay in love and live a fairy tale (of course with ups and downs, but that’s life). And through my posts I will share more about my special man, and why I trust him with my whole heart and life even though I’ve come from a painful past where my parents separated. And I’ll share aspects of our relationship before and after our engagement that may be valuable for you.
So, this site may change somewhat from what it was, largely because I’m in my own serious relationship now, and can come from a different view. A much more hands-on view, I should say. I’ll share a lot about my growing relationship with my man, as well as continue to share what I know and am learning about being a woman. I hope you enjoy it!
*PS: I WILL be uploading as many of my old articles as I was able to keep saved.*
Currently Reading: Wild at Heart by John Eldredge; Parenthood by Proxy by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
God’s Beloved
” Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what colour your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart. You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are my Pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of my hand. I love you even in the face of failure. Nothing you say or do can cause me to stop loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you. Run from Me – I will love you. Spurn me – I will love you. Reject yourself – I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary. When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you- heart, mind and body. You are my desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours. ”
An author’s adaptation from 1 John 3:2; Isaiah 43:1; Matthew 13:46; Ephesians 1:4; Revelation 13:8; Psalm 194:4; Song of Solomon 7:10; 6:3).
53 Simple Ways to Feel More Feminine
I’ve made a list of 53 things I believe can help you feel more feminine. Some are unique, others are more like simple reminders;) Not all will apply to or appeal to you, and that’s fine. This list is like a buffet, where you pick what looks good and try them:) Also, some don’t seem to relate to femininity directly, but to general self-improvement; this is because femininity goes far beyond what you wear or how you act. True femininity equally consists of having a good character and a beautiful heart.
1. Update your plain chap stick to lip gloss or chap stick that’s tinted, glossy, shimmery, plumping (if it has peppermint oil it’s actually naturally plumping, as peppermint oil invigorates blood flow), and/or has a nice smell.
2. Stop swearing.
3. Cook or bake something delicious for someone/others (not just for yourself) :) And not just anything, like macaroni & cheese, but something a little challenging!
4. Try a long, wavy hairdo.
5. Wear more feminine colors, like pink or lavender; feminine colors are any colors guys usually avoid.
6. Try a cosmetic product you usually don’t use – if you never wear lipstick, try it! If you usually don’t wear blush, put some on! Curl your lashes, define your brows, try liquid liner, whatever is new or unusual. Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference, and you may fall in love with a new discovery.
7. Wear a skirt, dress, or heels.
8. If you’re tired, take a nap for goodness’ sake!
9. Stop wearing unfitted, unisex t-shirts or any unisex clothing. Especially baggy sweatpants.
10. If you wear your hair up all the time, try wearing it down.
11. If you wear glasses all the time, try switching to contacts. Paired with made-up eyes, you can feel really pretty.
12. Hang out with girly girl friends instead of guy friends who treat you like “one of the guys.” Do girly things like shop at the mall or have long talks. If you don’t have many girl friends – MAKE SOME! This isn’t to say hanging out with guys takes away your femininity; it depends on what KIND of guys, whether they’re the kind who treat women like ladies, or women like they’re sex objects, the “lesser” sex, or other horrendous things.
13. Spray on cinnamon/vanilla scents. These are supposedly the most attractive scents to guys; they associate these smells with “love.”
14. Wear girly/sexy bras and underwear. Even if no one else sees them, you can feel more girly (and mysterious, as if you have a delicious secret:)).
15. Wear jewelry and accessories. Replace fake pearl jewelry with real ones!
16. Replace sneakers with cute boots or flats. These can be just as comfortable and much more feminine.
17. Generously and sincerely compliment people. Learn what “kinds” of compliments really make men feel good, and what kinds make women feel good – become a professional at making people feel really, really good!
18. Be polite. Say things like, “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Have a nice day.”
19. Stop picking your skin – cuticles, pimples, dry lips, etc.
20. Display positive, friendly body language. Keep your hands open instead of balling them into fists, keep arms apart instead of crossing them, smile, make eye contact, breathe slowly and deeply whenever you start to stress, laugh, stop tapping/fidgeting/twitching/scratching, etc.
21. Don’t share vulgar or dirty humor.
22. Wear clothes that have frills, lace, bows/ribbon, gathers, or ruffles.
23. Walk around with a book on your head to improve posture:)
24. Use shampoo and conditioner with a really strong, feminine smell so that your hair smells irresistible, especially when damp (I’ve heard guys like when a woman’s hair smells good over a girl who just smells good because of perfume).
25. Sit somewhere comfy with a blanket and some hot tea, and read a good book:)
26. Play some really girly songs and sing and dance to them! Have fun and let loose!
27. Be “housewife-ish.” Clean your room. Do the dishes, the laundry. Tidy up the living room. Put some flowers on a table. You will feel a little more respect for yourself, and anyone you live with will appreciate you.
28. Learn HOW to put on makeup so you look and feel good. Especially perfect the “natural” look, as this is the one you should most use, and which men generally like best. Youtube videos are a great place to start, and from there, just experiment. It’s an art, you won’t perfect it in a day.
29. Redecorate your room so it looks feminine.
30. Buy some real, pretty plants or flowers to place around the home and take care of them. Studies have even shown that plants in a living environment can raise your happiness level.
31. In the shower, use your hands instead of a loofah to wash your body. Maybe it sounds weird, but this helps me get in touch with my body. It’s a gentle reminder that my body is alive, beautiful, and working hard to take care of me.:)
32. If you are looking for a new job, get one where you will be encouraged to dress well and stylishly, and where you will be surrounded by lots of other women. Also, the more feminine the industry the better – clothing, cosmetics, crafts, etc. Avoid fast food restaurants, any place that requires significant physical work, and any place where you’re basically allowed to wear whatever you want (and where you notice the employees take advantage of this – by practically wearing pajamas!). This basically applies to young women who just need to work while they’re studying for their degree, etc. Office jobs can be good too, because you’re usually encouraged to look professional. Just be careful not to look too stiff or serious, and instead, wear clothing that’s feminine AND professional. If you normally wear pant suits to work, try skirt suits.
33. Watch how you talk. If you talk fast, slow down. If you mumble, speak clearly. If you use a low voice, practice using your head voice. If you talk too much, listen more! If people can barely hear you, speak up.
34. Watch a good chick flick. Cry when there’s a sad scene! Express your happiness when something cute and romantic happens!
35. Next time you pass by a pet store, go inside! Look at the cute puppies and animals and let yourself go ga-ga over them.
36. STOP gossiping, criticizing, and complaining. Whenever you feel the urge to, just KEEP SILENT. It might be hard, but it’s worth it. Start seeing the good in people and in your life instead; there’s no need to have give and take with ugliness. It will not make you a better person. And, if people associate you with negativity, they won’t want to be around you; they might even be scared to get to know you, and you, them.
37. Get some girly pajamas. Try to avoid pants and a top, unless the pattern, material, design, etc. is very feminine. I highly recommend night gowns. If you’re married, the sexier the better!
38. Drop cynicism – cynical sarcasm, jokes, comments.
39. Hum.
40. Replace gum with something like Ice Breakers or Altoids; chewing gum looks unattractive. If you’re extremely attached to gum, switching to a cinnamon gum is a bit of a step up for two reasons: men love the smell of cinnamon (they associate it with love) AND it actually makes your breath fresher by killing the bacteria in your mouth instead of just covering it up.
41. Shave your legs, even in the winter when you don’t “have” to.
42. Don’t depend on showing lots of skin, cleavage, etc. to get attention as a woman. Focus on your aura, attitude, the way you hold yourself, and the style of your clothes instead.
43. Take a long, hot bath by candlelight and soothing music. There are many things you can put in your bath to feel feminine, such as essential oils, sweet-smelling bubble bath solution, rose petals, epsom salt (relaxes muscles, can be bought cheap at Walmart), and there are lots of products made especially for baths (I especially recommend Burt’s Bees and Bath & Body Works)
44. Wear earrings every day, even if they’re just studs.
45. Take smaller bites. Chew more slowly.
46. Spend time with really cute little kids. Especially happy little girls who LOVE BEING girly, and have no shame immersing themselves in girly things and activities – Barbies, Disney princesses, dress-up, pink, singing, baby animals, glitter, twirling around in frilly skirts, etc.
47. Keep a diary. Diaries help you get in touch with your emotions and clear your mind. My brother just shared with me that he thinks it’s cute when girls write in diaries.
48. Donate to a charity or cause that helps those for whom your heart is sincerely concerned. Or even better, volunteer your time. Charity is an essential trait in a truly feminine woman.
49. If you smoke, try to avoid smoking in front of men. Of course, quitting is the best choice but isn’t exactly “simple.” For my brother, smoking is THE most unattractive thing women do.
50. If you’re normal, you probably almost daily see and interact with people outside your home. So, wear makeup daily! Even if it’s just enough for you to be able to look in the mirror and not think, “I look so ______ (ugly, plain, scary, old, tired, you fill in the blank).”
51. Wear nail polish 24-7, even if it’s just clear or cream-colored. Rich, red nail polish is especially sexy & feminine for fancy occassions.
52. Don’t listen to rap, heavy metal, screamo, or anything of the like. Even rock is unfeminine; it’s fine to like, but shouldn’t be the only thing you listen to.
53. Read Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin and learn the core principles of true femininity.
Hope this helps in your exciting, healing journey to becoming a beautiful, feminine woman!
Here is a testimony I found online of a girl who determined to become girly and reached her goal in 1 month! You go girl!
Link: Look more girly
“To me, being a female is an honor. I feel blessed (not saying that being a male is terrible, and you shouldn’t feel blessed if you are one), and I have a lot of fun playing my feminine role. Make-up, clothing, boys and and other stuff is fun, but it is just a surface part of it. I want to FEEL like a woman. I want to embrace the power, that we, as women have. Being beautiful, strong, powerful, and still a gentle female is what I want to live my life by.” -wearegalaxies
